Liars' League

If Love were a Triceratops by David McGrath

If Love were a Triceratops MP3

Read by Max Berendt

Beatrice,

I refuse to wish you a happy Valentine's Day my love. But I bought this card for you along with all the other lemming-drones in Paperchase despite the conspiracy of consumerism it represents.

I do not want to sign off with a simple I love you as you know my feelings on how love is brandished about in this commercialistic society of ours. It is the bullet of capitalism now, lost and forgotten, replaced with l—u—v love, the lemming-drones all “luving” their Starbucks coffee and “luving” Justin Timberlake.

Patrick by Rebecca Clarke

Patrick MP3 - click to play

Read by Gloria Sanders

February 14th, 1981

Dear Diary,

There’s a boy next door, a boy! He’s got blond hair and his name is Patrick. I know because I followed him down to the beach this morning and asked. He’s twelve, a year older than me. He’s made a hideout in the dunes. He spends most of the day there. I asked him if he wanted to swim with me, he said no. He thinks water is for fish and stupid people.

Belgian Passion by Agnieszka Dale

Belgian Passion MP3 - click to play

Read by Silas Hawkins

Before I met you, I didn’t believe in suicide or love at first sight. No matter what happened during the day, I would come home, cut up a potato without peeling it, sauté it and have it with mayonnaise, followed by a cigarette.

I am a Belgian, which means I don’t really exist. Belgians can be either French or Dutch. My emotions were frozen.

Sweet Tooth by Esther Cleverly

Sweet Tooth MP3 - click to play

Read by Cliff Chapman

I haven’t much of a sweet tooth, but I eat sugar for your sake. Ever since sweets came off the ration, I crunch barley-sugars between my crumbling molars like glass; I suck assiduously on mint humbugs. At the tobacconist's, I always buy a bag of sugar-mice with my 'Craven A' and Daily Sketch. Miss Hodgson drops them into the brown-paper bag like little pink bullets and seals it with a brisk twist and a brisker smile.

Special Economic Advisers, in Love by Owen Booth

Special Economic Advisers, in Love MP3

Read by Greg Page

We met in the air, of course. Cocktail hour in first class, thirty thousand feet above Frankfurt. All it took was a spot of turbulence and a moment of mutual understanding. It was Friday night and off our starboard wing all of Western Europe was lit up like Christmas.

Forty-five minutes later we were on the ground and ordering champagne up to our room.

The Pilot's Wife by Krishan Coupland

The Pilot's Wife MP3

Read by Sarah Feathers

The first time she flies, she holds the black moulded armrest all the way up, seeing ground recede like a backwash tide. The airstrip becoming insignificant and scurrying. Houses and roads and fields obscured lightly as if behind a veil of milk. Power lines change angles with their shadows, obscure geometry. Down there, cattle move slow as growing plants.

What her mother told her: never to move for him. Him or any man, and especially not to the desert god-damn it. There were wolves in the desert and men who killed other men for money and for drugs. She wouldn't last out there. Not on her own.

A Very Important Meeting by Michael Carey

A Very Important Meeting MP3

Read by James McNeill & Lisa Rose 

‘Last night was ...’ He trailed off and she could see immediately the familiar confusion burgeoning behind his eyes. It had been a lovely night. Mostly. But how it could have been a different kind of night, that fact squatted between them.

‘Oh, Jake, it was great fun. The restaurant –’

‘I know. But.’

Lovesick by Jeffrey Green

 Lovesick MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer

I was lovesick, so I decided to see a specialist and get some medicine. I called the HMO, and the secretary told me that the specialist’s next available appointment was in two months.

“Don’t you have anything sooner? I’m suffering. I can’t wait for two months.”

“What’s the matter with you?”

I was ashamed to admit I was lovesick. I didn’t say anything.

“Ma’am, I asked you what’s the matter with you. If it’s urgent, you can go to the emergency room.”

“No, it’s okay. Give me an appointment. I’m not going to die of it.”

Short & Sweet stories chosen for Tue 12 Feb!

The stories for our Valentine's event, SHORT & SWEET on Tuesday 12th February have been chosen!

Our eight tales feature dinosaurs, civil servants in love, lost love, love in the desert, dental disaster, acupuncture, a boardroom/bedroom mash-up, and even passion Belgian-style. All for the usual bargain price of £5 on the door, which includes 20% off all bottles of wine PLUS the infamous book quiz (Harlequin Romances and 1930s erotica to be won!)

SHORT & SWEET STORIES

Patrick by Rebecca Clarke *NEW AUTHOR*
The Pilot’s Wife by Krishan Coupland *NEW AUTHOR*
Sweet Tooth by Esther Cleverly *NEW AUTHOR*
A Very Important Meeting by Michael Carey *NEW AUTHOR*
Belgian Passion by Agnieszka Dale *NEW AUTHOR*
Lovesick by Jeffrey Green
If Love were a Triceratops by David McGrath
Special Economic Advisers in Love by Owen Booth

We hope to see you on Tuesday 12th - but in the mean time, we heartily encourage the writers among you to submit stories for our next event, SONG & DANCE: 800-2000 word stories on a musical or terpsichorean theme. We want your tales of rock 'n' roll, blues, jazz, swing, ballet, ballroom, opera, musicals and anything else song and dance related. Send to [email protected] by this Sunday 3 February.

WHERE & WHEN?

The event starts at 7.30pm (doors open at 7pm)  Tickets cost £5 on the door (cash only, no advance booking) and seating is unreserved - so it's a good idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table.

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is 5 minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines)

Map here