Read by Will Goodhand
Karl gazed disconsolately across the battlefield: the battle of Pydna was not going well. On the left flank his archers were about to be overrun by a phalanx of elite Spartans that had just taken out the cavalry set to protect the lightly armed bowmen. Things on the right were no better. Although his forces there were yet to sustain significant losses, they were in the path of several units of heavily armed Macedonians, all pikes and shields and strength-in-numbers. He briefly wondered if Maximus Decimus Meridius had had Sunday afternoons that went like this. Probably not.
Simon smirked from across the table, “I told you last time that the Romans never entered a battle without a clear strategy. I can’t believe you haven’t even read Theobald’s ‘Secrets of the World’s Greatest War Machine’. If you don’t immerse yourself in the period, then you can’t expect anything other than another massacre’.
Simon always thoroughly immersed himself; Theobald’s incredibly worthy, incredibly dull, tome on Roman warfare was only the beginning. A whole shelf in Simon’s library (read: spare room) groaned under the weight of titles such as ‘Great Persian Victories’ and ‘Rise of the Byzantine Empire’. Karl had asked Claudia about it once and she’d confirmed that every one had been read and reread, with key passages underlined and important pages marked with little sticky tags. Claudia, elegant, witty and beautiful Claudia, how she had ended up with a bore like Simon was a mystery. “But he’s sweet, darling, in his own way”, she’d confided. “And as long as he’s happy with his games, it leaves me free to play mine.” “Besides”, she’d archly observed, “you do choose to play your games, no-one forces you”.
Guilt could be a terribly motivating force Karl gloomily reflected as he reached out to move General Marcus Furius Camillus and his men behind cover and out of the reach of the Macedonians. Simon’s response was immediate, “You can’t do that, you can’t cross a hedge and a ditch in the same turn”. Without needing to resort to the rulebook Karl knew Simon would be right. From the tabletop, the inch high metal figure of General Camillus seemed to look at Karl with an air of utter disapproval, as if to say “How could you be so foolish as to think we could cross a hedge and a ditch in a single turn? Do you not know the first thing about Warfare in Ancient Eras? Now we are stuck next to this ditch with many, many Macedonians bearing down on us.” It hadn’t always been like this. Twenty years ago when they’d been in their early teens they’d started collecting toy soldiers. Karl had always preferred the fantastical ones, the dragon-riders, the trolls and ogres that he spent hour after hour meticulously painting, each one a little work of art. But somewhere along the line Simon had decreed that it was no longer fitting for grown men to while away the hours on such whimsies and so they’d started gaming with historically accurate toy soldiers instead. Whilst their friends had lost interest and dropped out one by one, they’d regressed from the Somme, to Gettysburg, Agincourt and eventually Ancient Eras, a period Karl had dreaded from the start, if only because he foresaw its potential to lead Simon to indulge in even more geek-spasms as he plumbed greater and greater depths of historically accurate banality. But at least it led to Karl seeing more of Claudia.
Simon moved two groups of Macedonians so that they were in base to base contact with General Camillus and his men, then consulted the game’s overly complex combat resolution tables. “Let’s see, I have the advantage because you’re by a ditch, I outnumber you and…” he reached out and laid the first rank of Karl’s soldiers on their side. From this position, the general was positively scowling at Karl and his incompetence. In the old days, when it was armies of dwarfs and elves lining up against the assorted forces of Chaos, the outcome of battles owed much to the roll of dice. Luck had played a big part in the battles, which seemed far closer to real life to Karl than the mix of strategy, tactics and tables complex enough to make an actuary blush that governed Warfare in Ancient Eras. His thoughts briefly returned to their default position of how had Simon ended up with Claudia – correction, how had Simon ended up married to Claudia? Simon was ecstatic, “time for the great reveal” he said, picking up several Macedonians and replacing them with an impressive, albeit poorly painted, model of an armoured elephant, complete with howdah and several well armed (why were all Simon’s forces always so well armed?) soldiers riding on its back. General Camillus’ day was about to go from bad to, well, stomped on by an elephant.
Karl was apoplectic, “how the fuck are you supposed to get that close to my soldiers without them noticing you’ve got a fucking elephant?”
“It's in the rules”, Simon crowed, oblivious to Karl’s rage, “You know you don’t have to reveal a secret weapon until it will inflict the greatest damage”. This was Simon’s favourite rule, despite it flying in the face of the historical accuracy he otherwise cherished so much. Thanks to that rule, Karl had managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of near certain victory in countless encounters across the ages. “Let him have his victories”, Claudia had purred, soothing his petulance “you know you have yours”.
Before Karl had time to think, Simon started removing figures from the board, chuckling to himself. “Well, I think that’s that. I’m surprised you didn’t put up a better defence though, in truth the Romans overwhelmed the Macedonians at Pydna.” He paused then added “probably knew to have their archers on the lookout for elephants”. Something snapped inside Karl, twenty years of military defeats and patronising condescension fuelling his anger. In one move he lent over the table and flicked General Perseus of Macedon from one side of the battlefield to the other, the figure teetered on the edge of the table for a moment and then fell to the floor. “Hey, don’t do that”, Simon remonstrated, rushing round to recover the General and then gasping. “Look, you’ve bent his spear!” The two men were face to face as Simon’s oft-repeated words echoed through Karl’s mind once more, “only reveal a secret weapon when it will inflict the greatest damage”.
“I’m fucking your wife”, Karl announced, calmly. “I don’t have time to read Theobald’s ‘Secrets of the World’s Greatest War Machine’ because I’m too busy fucking your wife.”
He turned and walked away from the battlefield, the battle lost, a war won.
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Big Boys' Games by Rob Mukherjee was read by Will Goodhand at the Liars' League Fun & Games on Tuesday 12 April 2011 at The Phoenix, Cavendish Sq., London.
Rob Mukherjee audits auditors for a living but would rather be scuba-diving. Or cooking. Or even writing. He was born in the South, grew up in the North and now lives in London, where he keeps meaning to start work on a novel. This is his first published story.
Will Goodhand is the only man to make multiple-adventurer of kids’ cartoon fame Mr Benn jealous: Internet entrepreneur, radio DJ, Beauty & the Geek star and etiquette coach to Britain's Next Top Models, Will regularly performs stand-up and story readings on the London circuit: for details of upcoming gigs, email [email protected]
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