Liars' League

NEXT EVENT: Royalty & Revolution, Tuesday 11th April

2023 will see the first Coronation in 70 years ... so the night of Tuesday 11th April (also our 150th show by the way, which makes us at least 70 in literary event years) is themed on Royalty & Revolution - political, sexual, scientific or other. We're reading the stories right now, and some of them are explosive ...

So, if you want to hear tales fit for a Tsar on a beggar's budget, book £5 tickets now for the best value Coronation knees-up in the West End! (Our majestic venue, the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 also does two-for-one burgers on Tuesday night, which is nice). 

ROYALTY & REVOLUTION: SHORT STORIES

Tuesday 11th April, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door but it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Still got questions? See below.

2023 will see the first Coronation in 70 years ... so the night of Tuesday 11th April (also our 150th show by the way, which makes us at least 70 in literary event years) is themed on Royalty & Revolution - political, sexual, scientific or other. We're reading the stories right now, and some of them are explosive ...

So, if you want to hear tales fit for a Tsar on a beggar's budget, book £5 tickets now for the best value Coronation knees-up in the West End! (Our majestic venue, the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 also does two-for-one burgers on Tuesday night, which is nice). 

ROYALTY & REVOLUTION: SHORT STORIES

Tuesday 11th April, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door but it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Still got questions? See below.

ROYALTY & REVOLUTION: SHORT STORIES

Tuesday 11th April, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door but it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Still got questions? See below.

Meedy by Will Conway

Read by Rich Keeble (third story in podcast here, at 30:25)

 

Monday

‘Tobes, the Meedy is flashing differently. Does it mean it’s not working?’

‘Test it.’

‘Who’s the biggest knob head?’

‘I would describe neither of you using that word,’ the flat voice issued. ‘Please charge my battery. Toby, by my calculations, it’s your turn.’

Interview at the RSA by Sarah Richardson

Read by Andrea Hall (first story in podcast, here)

The man opposite had started trying to make eye contact. I could tell by the way his shoe twisted quickly back and forth, grazing the scuffed floor of the waiting room in a timid plea for acknowledgement. I kept my gaze on the shoe—a worn DM, sketchily smeared with polish by its owner—for as long as my nerves could take it, which I doubted had amounted to very long at all. I looked up: ‘Hi—’

‘Hi!’ The man’s hope leapt from his throat so forcefully that another man, sitting to his left, visibly recoiled. ‘I don’t suppose you’d—’

‘No.’ Then I added, ‘Sorry.’ Because genuinely I was: sorry for him, whoever he was, sorry for all of us. Chances were he was decent enough, and he wasn’t bad-looking either—a bit sweaty, but all of us left had been waiting more than three hours now and to be honest I probably looked a lot worse. 

Dear Miss Maguire by Amy Eddings

Read by Caroline O'Mahoney & Oliver Yellop (final story in podcast here, at 1:23:40)

Dear Miss Sullivan,

Was it but yesternoon I beheld you first, gliding so elegantly through Hanover Square in that utterly bewitching taupe walking-dress with the Paris silk trim? The feathers on your hat danced as vivaciously as if they would truly fly – and my heart, treacherous bird that it is, flew from my breast to be with them! I near-swooned, fearing that so divine a vision must be heaven-sent; that perhaps my twenty-four short years on Earth had concluded as I turned the corner, and God had sent an angel to reap my soul!

It was only when you dropped your little lace handkerchief – positively the coverlet for an infant cherub in its delicacy and beauty! – granting me the inestimable good fortune of retrieving and returning it to you, that I understood I was not the visionary dreamer of an exquisite dream, and that you existed indeed! A Woman, in the very Flesh, before my bedazzled eyes!

Mushroom by Melanie Carvalho

Read by Katy Darby (fourth story in podcast here, at 47:25)

It was that limbo week between Christmas and New Year, five years ago. It was the first limbo week I had spent alone with the kids, after their dad left me. I say me, because he insisted he did not leave them, only me. I say left, because he said I was being melodramatic when I used the word abandoned, and so even now, in private, between you and me, I’ll try not to be melodramatic. Even now, his version of events wins out. Even now, I can be charmed by him, as is everyone, still.

Starfish by Donna Tracy

Read by Linda Shannon (second story in podcast here, at 16:50)

It’s Sean’s sister, Jackie, who tells me he’s back. She drops it casually into the conversation when I bump into her at the market.

‘Just until Monday,’ she says. ‘It’s Mum’s seventy-fifth.’

She looks at me funny when she says it, waiting to see how I react. I nod, purse my lips as if I’m not that interested. I’ve always liked Jackie, she’s a good laugh, but she’s got a streak of something in her that gets a kick out of seeing people squirm, so I’ve never asked her anything about Sean, never let her know I want to know.

Not Raven but Drowning by M J Lee

Read by Keleigh Wolf (fifth story in podcast here, at 1:03:37)

The night is Vantablack and John Cage-silent when the Uber drops me at Zora’s. I thank the driver and rate him five stars and tip him a tenner on the app. What a nice guy, I think. What a goddam human being. It’s four below, and the frosted pavement outside Zora’s live/workspace in Catford is scintillating like a million tiny stars. I can hardly tear my eyes away to find the doorbell, it’s so beautiful. A kind of exquisite fractalism, the tiny ice crystals reflecting the unimaginably massive, superhot balls of gas billions of miles away …

Fuuuuuck!  I shake my head like a cat with a flea-collar. I’m so sick of this wonderstruck hippie bullshit. This is not how I want to feel. And it’s all Zora’s fault. I need more of the bad stuff, and Zora’s the only one I know with a solid connection.

VALENTINE'S DAY EVENT: Agony & Ecstasy, Tuesday 14th February

Get all the feels

This Valentine's Day we at Liars' League have a show to sweep you off your feet: six short stories, sexy & sad, frank & funny, read by our very finest actors. You'll explore the highs & lows of love, lust & everything in between, & meet agony aunts, lost loves, AI relationship mediators, single mums, pill-popping avant-garde artists, & horny Victorian teens. PLUS! Every ticket includes entry to our lovelorn & lusty book quiz & FREE Loveheart sweets - all for a fiver!

So make a date at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday February 14th: book tickets now for the best value Valentine's night in the West End. (& if you fancy a literary evening out on February 14th but don't feel like flying solo, read on ...)

WINNING STORIES for AGONY & ECSTASY

Meedy by Will Conway read by Rich Keeble

Starfish by Donna Tracy, read by Linda Shannon

Dear Miss Maguire by Amy Eddings, read by Oliver Yellop & Caroline O'Mahoney

Interview at the RSA by Sarah Richardson, read by Andrea Hall

Not Raven But Drowning by MJ Lee, read by Keleigh Wolf

Mushroom by Melanie Carvalho, read by Katy Darby

 

SINGLE/SOLO? Whether you're looking for romance, or just a literary-minded person to watch the show with, we've got you covered with our Valentine's Book Match. 

Just email us with Book Match in the subject line and your basic details (name, approximate age, gender and orientation are helpful, if it's for a date) plus the title of a favourite book, and we'll find you a tablemate to chat to. (N.B. Please be sure to tell us in your email if you're after romance, friendship, or either/both). Love of literature is always a good conversation-starter!

AGONY & ECSTASY: VALENTINE'S STORIES

Tuesday 14th February, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are STILL just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Questions? See below.

Get all the feels

This Valentine's Day we at Liars' League have a show to sweep you off your feet: six short stories, sexy & sad, frank & funny, read by our very finest actors. You'll explore the highs & lows of love, lust & everything in between, & meet agony aunts, lost loves, AI relationship mediators, single mums, pill-popping avant-garde artists, & horny Victorian teens. PLUS! Every ticket includes entry to our lovelorn & lusty book quiz & FREE Loveheart sweets - all for a fiver!

So make a date at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday February 14th: book tickets now for the best value Valentine's night in the West End. (& if you fancy a literary evening out on February 14th but don't feel like flying solo, read on ...)

WINNING STORIES for AGONY & ECSTASY

Meedy by Will Conway read by Rich Keeble

Starfish by Donna Tracy, read by Linda Shannon

Dear Miss Maguire by Amy Eddings, read by Oliver Yellop & Caroline O'Mahoney

Interview at the RSA by Sarah Richardson, read by Andrea Hall

Not Raven But Drowning by MJ Lee, read by Keleigh Wolf

Mushroom by Melanie Carvalho, read by Katy Darby

 

SINGLE/SOLO? Whether you're looking for romance, or just a literary-minded person to watch the show with, we've got you covered with our Valentine's Book Match. 

Just email us with Book Match in the subject line and your basic details (name, approximate age, gender and orientation are helpful, if it's for a date) plus the title of a favourite book, and we'll find you a tablemate to chat to. (N.B. Please be sure to tell us in your email if you're after romance, friendship, or either/both). Love of literature is always a good conversation-starter!

AGONY & ECSTASY: VALENTINE'S STORIES

Tuesday 14th February, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are STILL just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Questions? See below.

AGONY & ECSTASY: VALENTINE'S STORIES

Tuesday 14th February, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are STILL just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Questions? See below.

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy

Read by Lisa Rose (fourth story in podcast, click here to play)

Justin chooses the house; an eighteenth-century cottage with exposed beams and inglenook fireplaces, and an acre of land so thick with trees that it can’t be seen from the road. He wants to be in before Christmas, and though most of the work is done before they move in, they can’t find anyone to fit the wood burners until December. When the workmen finally arrive, they assure Helen it won’t take long, and they’ll tidy up after themselves. She goes to make them tea and when she comes back, she finds the two men crouched on the floor looking at something.

‘Found this up the chimney,’ one says.

Helen leans down to get a better look, then recoils in disgust. ‘Ugh! What is it?’

‘Dead cat,’ the man says.

Trimmings by Mark Barlex

Read by Sarah Barlex (final story in podcast, click here to play)

Am I nervous? Of course. Am I scared? Absolutely. This place has been my life. It’s safe. There’s space to run, and a warm bed at night. I’ve got my friends. And Mr and Mrs Pickford, who look after us all, and are lovely. And there’s lots and lots of food!

Fraser, who eats more than any of us, says it’s the best we’ve ever had.

Terry, who can be difficult, says “Shut up, it’s all we’ve ever had.”

Fraser asks Terry when he’s going to start being nice.

Terry says, “When you stop talking out of your bum-hole.”

How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson

Read by Paul Clarke (second story in podcast, here)

Congratulations on your new HomeGirl^TM Dreamhouse Construction Kit! We at HomeGirl^TM believe it makes the perfect Christmas gift for your young daughter, or perhaps even son! This is the modern age, after all.

Hi! My name’s Jim Bowson, and in this how-to video I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about building your perfect doll’s house. Well, perhaps not perfect. I mean, nothing is perfect. You can get that idea out of your head right away! You are only setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if you expect perfection from anything or anyone. The key thing is to do your best – even if, for certain people, that will never be good enough.

Tinseltown by Niall Boyce

Read by Keleigh Wolf (first story in podcast, here)

Here’s the thing about my line of work: my telephone rings when everyone else’s stops. Times like this: late night, Christmas Eve. Everyone other than me is tucked up in bed or out getting into trouble. I’m listening to carols on the radio and waiting for a call. There’s always a call.

‘Hey, Alex?’ The voice at the other end of the line wasn’t asking. It was gearing up to give orders.

‘That’s me,’ I said, anyway. ‘What can I do for you, Eddie?’

Eddie was the Chief Operating Officer at one of the big studios, which meant he was the fixer when things went wrong with their stars. He had a good reputation; too good, as it turned out. Whenever the reporters saw him show up anywhere, they knew something had gone wrong. So there was a lot of work for independent contractors like me.

A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt: listen to podcast here (third story)

The chanting rises to a frenzied, animal pulse, like an Army cadence call, or gorillas booming across humid jungles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

I shudder. They’ve all downed it. And now I’m last one standing. Fists pummel the table, startling the crested cutlery. The tinsel on the ancient, panelled walls trembles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

Wolf-howls, bird-screeches, war-cries. “Come on you pussy!” bellows Pog, rugby-top straining, face red as a beef-tomato. “DOWN IT!”

I raise the stolen traffic-cone, stare into its mixture of mulled wine, cider, curdled eggnog and mashed mince-pie. The name of this unearthly concoction is Santa’s Nutsack.

Latest event: HOPES & FEARS, Tuesday 13th December

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Convivial by Rebekah Lattin-Rawstrone

Read by Caroline O'Mahoney (fourth story in podcast, here)

Her heart is in the middle of the dining table next to the potatoes. It is pumping away against the tabletop. No one seems to notice. The white tablecloth is beginning to stain; a ring of yellow plasma is seeping beneath the tableware, the central red mark deepening into a dark, sticky burgundy that resembles port-wine gravy.

The thudding pumps have a cloying sound that marks the passing of beat to beat, moment to moment, keeping her silent.

Her husband’s family are catching up, ignoring, not seeing the heart. They began drinking when she was putting the children to bed. They are no longer sober.

One Last Hurrah by Madison McSweeney

Read by Silas Hawkins (fifth story in podcast, here)

Grave robbing, I’ll confess to. Murder and battery, I will not. I’m no killer, and there is no law on the books that condemns a man to the gallows for assaulting someone who is already dead.

I could say I did what I did for science, but I won’t insult you. I did what I did out of greed. Your Honour, you’re no stranger to me; you know that I came from a good family, and that I disgraced them through vice and gambling. You may be tempted to view this as further evidence of my character, but I would implore you to have some pity. I believed at the time that this was a victimless crime. We all know the city of Kingston has no shortage of corpses whom none would miss, buried shallowly, all wanting for some productive purpose.

Skulduggery by Maria Kyle

Read by Stephen Butterton (third story in podcast, here)

The pirates are thirteen days out of Port Royal, having drunk themselves liquid and swived themselves black-eyed on the last merchantman’s bullion, the dawn they sight the derelict. It's the first vessel in doldrum-drifting weeks. But the tropic sun’s a flaring torch, half-quenched in the horizon, by the time the Siren draws near. The stranger ship’s silhouette against the red-gashed sky is still as a gibbeted corpse.

The crew’s restless and underfed; dogs too-long chained. Captain Vittery prays for bounty, leaving First Mate Pereira aboard to keep order: he’d trust Pereira, a grizzled Portugee, with his life or death, whichever came uppermost.

The boarding-party rows over in the jolly-boat. Ten feet off, Vittery calls halt: high on her starboard flank is her faded name: Day Dreamer. An odd, whimsical appellation, smacking more of a pleasure-craft than a three-masted schooner. He’s brought Bartolo, the hulking Second Mate, redheaded Logan the bosun, Ashoy the Lascar and gruff Svensson: his best men by a league. Mickey the cabin-boy comes too, for luck. Wanted to show the colour of his courage.

Kaleidoscope Girl by Sarah Richardson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt (first story in podcast, here)

The first time she saw the girl, Jen was floating on her back, gazing at the Fowey shore through the frame of her feet. The days had reached that point in September where the late afternoon light was so low it splashed against the swell, sending tiny golden flecks spinning across the water. The ferry that carried passengers the short trip from the town’s tourist-packed streets to the opposite harbour — the sparse two-pub, one-shop hamlet of Polruan — had dropped back to six an hour. Before long it would be winter service.

Jen felt the water under her lift, flatten, lift again. The sun’s warmth washed against her face, easing the swell’s chill. She liked watching the light graze the sea, shooting off in all directions. Out here, in the middle of the little channel, she was at the centre of a kaleidoscope; the pattern around her constantly shifting, obscuring her from anyone’s view.

Pirate Meat by Ken Towl

Read by Andrew Baguley (second story in podcast, here)

How times have changed. The sine qua non of the enjoyable social occasion for many people used to be cocaine. However, now that cocaine is readily available in Asda with some health warning that no one reads along the lines of “serious risk of turning you into a twat”, it’s no longer fashionable. I suppose they needed tax revenue from somewhere to pay for all that borrowing during the early twenties.

And don’t get me started on the Animal Rights Act. I hesitate to use the hackneyed term “political correctness gone mad” but if it ever had any meaning that time is now. We are one step away from giving dolphins the vote and armadillos a passport. It is militant veganism gone mad. Every sentient thing has rights. The consequence being that, while nobody says it these days – we are all so keen not to offend - a dinner party is hardly worth going to.

Widespread and Unnecessary Unrest on the Astral Plane by Mark Barlex

Read by Keleigh Wolf (final story in podcast, here)

“What’s with the ghouls?” you want to know. “Why so fucking rude all of a sudden?”

Oh no, Derek. Were you blanked in the corridor? Did they stop talking when you walked into the canteen? If you must know, they’re annoyed because you cut their pay and benefits. And frustrated because you just did it, ignoring pre-agreed commitments to discuss significant changes in working conditions. They probably think you’re the one who’s being rude.

“They should talk to the wraiths,” you say. “They seem happy enough.”

Hey, Derek, maybe talk to the wraiths yourself. They’re pretty fucked off too.

Next event: SKULL & CROSSBONES for Hallowe'en, Tue 11th October

Avast! We've a scurvy sackful of swashbuckling stories for you this month, to chill your blood and shiver your timbers in time for Hallowe'en. There's sea-swept ghosts, grave-robbing, meat-smuggling, heart-eating, demonic middle-management, skulls, bones, vampires, zombies and of course PIRATES!

We look forward to welcoming you aboard the good ship Phoenix on Tuesday October 11th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. (Apologies but we cannot accept pieces of eight, doubloons or gold bullion as payment).  

WINNING STORIES FOR SKULL & CROSSBONES

 

Pirate Meat by Ken Towl, read by Andrew Baguley

Skulduggery by Maria Kyle, read by Stephen Butterton

Kaleidoscope Girl by Sarah Richardson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Convivial by Rebekah Lattin-Rawstrone, read by Caroline O'Mahoney
One Last Hurrah by Madison McSweeney, read by Silas Hawkins
Widespread and Unnecessary Unrest on the Astral Plane by Mark Barlex, read by Keleigh Wolf

 

Tuesday 11th October, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Tuesday 11th October, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.