Liars' League

We Accept Your Demands by Oliver Bussell

WANT TO SUBMIT TO OUR LATEST THEME, HEROES & VILLAINS? Click here! (Deadline Sunday 7th May)

Read by Sarah Feathers (final story in podcast, here)

We accept your demands.

There is a flurry of static and she can’t be entirely sure what she’s heard. She presses the button again: What?

We accept your demands.

You accept?

That’s what I said (says the voice). We accept.

Oh, she says. They accept. Wren turns to address those around her: the fifteen linking arms, the group secured to lampposts with cable ties, the Painted People, The Tattooed Man, the students glued to pavements, the elderly couple handcuffed to the railings.

The King's Potatoes by Jerome McFadden

Read by Paul Clarke (fourth story in podcast, here)

Joachim sat in the dreary cell waiting to be executed. The turnkeys would open the massive iron door late in the afternoons to read off the list of names. A few of the men would stand up bravely, clanking in their ankle and wrist shackles, as if wanting to be done with it, tired of the agonizing wait. Others would scuttle deeper into the shadows or try to hide behind their fellow prisoners. The jailers would drive them out of the dungeon with their heavy batons.

A Queen Cannot by JJ Surtees

Read by Lin Sagovsky (third story in podcast, here) NB Content warning for miscarriage & child loss

'What's this now?' the doctor asks her lady-in-waiting as he leaves the bedchamber, 'number nine lost?'

Her lady-in-waiting confirms he's correct and closes the door after him, leaving her mistress alone. A rare occurrence. Alone and alone, the Queen thinks, and doesn't smile.

She should call them both back in she knows, reprimand them for the insult, for daring to discuss her. But she does not, she's just so tired and asserting her authority would do nothing. You can be God's anointed and still out of His favour, a Queen and less fortunate than the lowest serving girl. Queen Anne and nothing. No screaming, no prayers to the Almighty will change this.

Heads of State by Richie Jones

Read by Nathaniel Ashley (second story in the podcast, here)

The boardroom has been prepared tastefully, for the session with three representatives of what we refer to only as the State.

Lilies in vases either side of a large wall-mounted TV at one end of the room. The conference table, dark wood with a pleasing grain. Top-tier glassware. The room smells faintly of the lilies and nothing else. Behind us the floor-to-ceiling window displays London in high resolution — there to be coveted. The clients sit facing the skyline. We have been extensively prepped on choreography this morning; the way we would deftly suggest where the clients should sit, without telling them where to sit, and with nothing so gauche as place settings.

The Princess and the Kennel Girl by Fiona Mossman

Read by Patsy Prince (first story in podcast, here)

There was once a princess in a high, far, wintry kingdom who had a very strange gift that some called a curse. It was on account of this that the princess was locked away, her contact with other people forbidden, and gloves of the most curious kinds ordered for her from the lands to the south, where costly materials were woven by many skilled artisans, softer and kinder than the rough wools of that mountainous kingdom.

The princess was treated well and wanted for nothing, but her heart was sore from loneliness. She could often be seen at the window of her high tower, talking to the birds and to the air. The folk in the fields below saw her, and looked down again to their work.

LATEST EVENT: Royalty & Revolution, Tuesday 11th April

2023 will see the first Coronation in 70 years ... so the night of Tuesday 11th April (also our 150th show by the way, which makes us at least 70 in literary event years) was themed on Royalty & Revolution - political, sexual, scientific & more. Our fantastic actors read brand new stories of murder PR, royal/rustic romance, grieving Queens, how to poison a tyrant & the political protest to end them all ... or will it? All stories are now online as a YouTube playlist - watch them here. 

Those who wanted to hear tales fit for a Tsar on a beggar's budget booked £5 tickets for the best value Coronation knees-up in the West End! Our majestic venue, the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 also does two-for-one burgers on Tuesday nights, which is nice - PLUS there was our usual fiendish book quiz with books to win, and free mini chocolate eggs for all!

WINNING STORIES for ROYALTY & REVOLUTION

A Queen Cannot by Joseph Surtees - read by Lin Sagovsky

Heads of State by Richie Jones - read by Nathaniel Ashley

The Princess & the Kennel-Girl by Fiona Mossman - read by Patsy Prince

We Accept Your Demands by Oliver Bussell - read by Sarah Feathers

The King's Potatoes by Jerome McFadden - read by Paul Clarke

 

The uprising begins here!

 

Tuesday 11th April, 7.30pm, £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door but it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Still got questions? See below.

2023 will see the first Coronation in 70 years ... so the night of Tuesday 11th April (also our 150th show by the way, which makes us at least 70 in literary event years) was themed on Royalty & Revolution - political, sexual, scientific & more. Our fantastic actors read brand new stories of murder PR, royal/rustic romance, grieving Queens, how to poison a tyrant & the political protest to end them all ... or will it? All stories are now online as a YouTube playlist - watch them here. 

Those who wanted to hear tales fit for a Tsar on a beggar's budget booked £5 tickets for the best value Coronation knees-up in the West End! Our majestic venue, the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 also does two-for-one burgers on Tuesday nights, which is nice - PLUS there was our usual fiendish book quiz with books to win, and free mini chocolate eggs for all!

WINNING STORIES for ROYALTY & REVOLUTION

A Queen Cannot by Joseph Surtees - read by Lin Sagovsky

Heads of State by Richie Jones - read by Nathaniel Ashley

The Princess & the Kennel-Girl by Fiona Mossman - read by Patsy Prince

We Accept Your Demands by Oliver Bussell - read by Sarah Feathers

The King's Potatoes by Jerome McFadden - read by Paul Clarke

 

The uprising begins here!

 

Tuesday 11th April, 7.30pm, £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door but it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Still got questions? See below.

The uprising begins here!

 

Tuesday 11th April, 7.30pm, £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door but it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Still got questions? See below.

Meedy by Will Conway

Read by Rich Keeble (third story in podcast here, at 30:25)

 

Monday

‘Tobes, the Meedy is flashing differently. Does it mean it’s not working?’

‘Test it.’

‘Who’s the biggest knob head?’

‘I would describe neither of you using that word,’ the flat voice issued. ‘Please charge my battery. Toby, by my calculations, it’s your turn.’

Interview at the RSA by Sarah Richardson

Read by Andrea Hall (first story in podcast, here)

The man opposite had started trying to make eye contact. I could tell by the way his shoe twisted quickly back and forth, grazing the scuffed floor of the waiting room in a timid plea for acknowledgement. I kept my gaze on the shoe—a worn DM, sketchily smeared with polish by its owner—for as long as my nerves could take it, which I doubted had amounted to very long at all. I looked up: ‘Hi—’

‘Hi!’ The man’s hope leapt from his throat so forcefully that another man, sitting to his left, visibly recoiled. ‘I don’t suppose you’d—’

‘No.’ Then I added, ‘Sorry.’ Because genuinely I was: sorry for him, whoever he was, sorry for all of us. Chances were he was decent enough, and he wasn’t bad-looking either—a bit sweaty, but all of us left had been waiting more than three hours now and to be honest I probably looked a lot worse. 

Dear Miss Maguire by Amy Eddings

Read by Caroline O'Mahoney & Oliver Yellop (final story in podcast here, at 1:23:40)

Dear Miss Sullivan,

Was it but yesternoon I beheld you first, gliding so elegantly through Hanover Square in that utterly bewitching taupe walking-dress with the Paris silk trim? The feathers on your hat danced as vivaciously as if they would truly fly – and my heart, treacherous bird that it is, flew from my breast to be with them! I near-swooned, fearing that so divine a vision must be heaven-sent; that perhaps my twenty-four short years on Earth had concluded as I turned the corner, and God had sent an angel to reap my soul!

It was only when you dropped your little lace handkerchief – positively the coverlet for an infant cherub in its delicacy and beauty! – granting me the inestimable good fortune of retrieving and returning it to you, that I understood I was not the visionary dreamer of an exquisite dream, and that you existed indeed! A Woman, in the very Flesh, before my bedazzled eyes!

Starfish by Donna Tracy

Read by Linda Shannon (second story in podcast here, at 16:50)

It’s Sean’s sister, Jackie, who tells me he’s back. She drops it casually into the conversation when I bump into her at the market.

‘Just until Monday,’ she says. ‘It’s Mum’s seventy-fifth.’

She looks at me funny when she says it, waiting to see how I react. I nod, purse my lips as if I’m not that interested. I’ve always liked Jackie, she’s a good laugh, but she’s got a streak of something in her that gets a kick out of seeing people squirm, so I’ve never asked her anything about Sean, never let her know I want to know.

Not Raven but Drowning by M J Lee

Read by Keleigh Wolf (fifth story in podcast here, at 1:03:37)

The night is Vantablack and John Cage-silent when the Uber drops me at Zora’s. I thank the driver and rate him five stars and tip him a tenner on the app. What a nice guy, I think. What a goddam human being. It’s four below, and the frosted pavement outside Zora’s live/workspace in Catford is scintillating like a million tiny stars. I can hardly tear my eyes away to find the doorbell, it’s so beautiful. A kind of exquisite fractalism, the tiny ice crystals reflecting the unimaginably massive, superhot balls of gas billions of miles away …

Fuuuuuck!  I shake my head like a cat with a flea-collar. I’m so sick of this wonderstruck hippie bullshit. This is not how I want to feel. And it’s all Zora’s fault. I need more of the bad stuff, and Zora’s the only one I know with a solid connection.

VALENTINE'S DAY EVENT: Agony & Ecstasy, Tuesday 14th February

Get all the feels

This Valentine's Day we at Liars' League have a show to sweep you off your feet: six short stories, sexy & sad, frank & funny, read by our very finest actors. You'll explore the highs & lows of love, lust & everything in between, & meet agony aunts, lost loves, AI relationship mediators, single mums, pill-popping avant-garde artists, & horny Victorian teens. PLUS! Every ticket includes entry to our lovelorn & lusty book quiz & FREE Loveheart sweets - all for a fiver!

So make a date at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday February 14th: book tickets now for the best value Valentine's night in the West End. (& if you fancy a literary evening out on February 14th but don't feel like flying solo, read on ...)

WINNING STORIES for AGONY & ECSTASY

Meedy by Will Conway read by Rich Keeble

Starfish by Donna Tracy, read by Linda Shannon

Dear Miss Maguire by Amy Eddings, read by Oliver Yellop & Caroline O'Mahoney

Interview at the RSA by Sarah Richardson, read by Andrea Hall

Not Raven But Drowning by MJ Lee, read by Keleigh Wolf

Mushroom by Melanie Carvalho, read by Katy Darby

 

SINGLE/SOLO? Whether you're looking for romance, or just a literary-minded person to watch the show with, we've got you covered with our Valentine's Book Match. 

Just email us with Book Match in the subject line and your basic details (name, approximate age, gender and orientation are helpful, if it's for a date) plus the title of a favourite book, and we'll find you a tablemate to chat to. (N.B. Please be sure to tell us in your email if you're after romance, friendship, or either/both). Love of literature is always a good conversation-starter!

AGONY & ECSTASY: VALENTINE'S STORIES

Tuesday 14th February, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are STILL just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Questions? See below.

Get all the feels

This Valentine's Day we at Liars' League have a show to sweep you off your feet: six short stories, sexy & sad, frank & funny, read by our very finest actors. You'll explore the highs & lows of love, lust & everything in between, & meet agony aunts, lost loves, AI relationship mediators, single mums, pill-popping avant-garde artists, & horny Victorian teens. PLUS! Every ticket includes entry to our lovelorn & lusty book quiz & FREE Loveheart sweets - all for a fiver!

So make a date at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday February 14th: book tickets now for the best value Valentine's night in the West End. (& if you fancy a literary evening out on February 14th but don't feel like flying solo, read on ...)

WINNING STORIES for AGONY & ECSTASY

Meedy by Will Conway read by Rich Keeble

Starfish by Donna Tracy, read by Linda Shannon

Dear Miss Maguire by Amy Eddings, read by Oliver Yellop & Caroline O'Mahoney

Interview at the RSA by Sarah Richardson, read by Andrea Hall

Not Raven But Drowning by MJ Lee, read by Keleigh Wolf

Mushroom by Melanie Carvalho, read by Katy Darby

 

SINGLE/SOLO? Whether you're looking for romance, or just a literary-minded person to watch the show with, we've got you covered with our Valentine's Book Match. 

Just email us with Book Match in the subject line and your basic details (name, approximate age, gender and orientation are helpful, if it's for a date) plus the title of a favourite book, and we'll find you a tablemate to chat to. (N.B. Please be sure to tell us in your email if you're after romance, friendship, or either/both). Love of literature is always a good conversation-starter!

AGONY & ECSTASY: VALENTINE'S STORIES

Tuesday 14th February, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are STILL just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Questions? See below.

AGONY & ECSTASY: VALENTINE'S STORIES

Tuesday 14th February, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

Tickets are STILL just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Questions? See below.

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy

Read by Lisa Rose (fourth story in podcast, click here to play)

Justin chooses the house; an eighteenth-century cottage with exposed beams and inglenook fireplaces, and an acre of land so thick with trees that it can’t be seen from the road. He wants to be in before Christmas, and though most of the work is done before they move in, they can’t find anyone to fit the wood burners until December. When the workmen finally arrive, they assure Helen it won’t take long, and they’ll tidy up after themselves. She goes to make them tea and when she comes back, she finds the two men crouched on the floor looking at something.

‘Found this up the chimney,’ one says.

Helen leans down to get a better look, then recoils in disgust. ‘Ugh! What is it?’

‘Dead cat,’ the man says.

Trimmings by Mark Barlex

Read by Sarah Barlex (final story in podcast, click here to play)

Am I nervous? Of course. Am I scared? Absolutely. This place has been my life. It’s safe. There’s space to run, and a warm bed at night. I’ve got my friends. And Mr and Mrs Pickford, who look after us all, and are lovely. And there’s lots and lots of food!

Fraser, who eats more than any of us, says it’s the best we’ve ever had.

Terry, who can be difficult, says “Shut up, it’s all we’ve ever had.”

Fraser asks Terry when he’s going to start being nice.

Terry says, “When you stop talking out of your bum-hole.”

How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson

Read by Paul Clarke (second story in podcast, here)

Congratulations on your new HomeGirl^TM Dreamhouse Construction Kit! We at HomeGirl^TM believe it makes the perfect Christmas gift for your young daughter, or perhaps even son! This is the modern age, after all.

Hi! My name’s Jim Bowson, and in this how-to video I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about building your perfect doll’s house. Well, perhaps not perfect. I mean, nothing is perfect. You can get that idea out of your head right away! You are only setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if you expect perfection from anything or anyone. The key thing is to do your best – even if, for certain people, that will never be good enough.

Tinseltown by Niall Boyce

Read by Keleigh Wolf (first story in podcast, here)

Here’s the thing about my line of work: my telephone rings when everyone else’s stops. Times like this: late night, Christmas Eve. Everyone other than me is tucked up in bed or out getting into trouble. I’m listening to carols on the radio and waiting for a call. There’s always a call.

‘Hey, Alex?’ The voice at the other end of the line wasn’t asking. It was gearing up to give orders.

‘That’s me,’ I said, anyway. ‘What can I do for you, Eddie?’

Eddie was the Chief Operating Officer at one of the big studios, which meant he was the fixer when things went wrong with their stars. He had a good reputation; too good, as it turned out. Whenever the reporters saw him show up anywhere, they knew something had gone wrong. So there was a lot of work for independent contractors like me.

A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt: listen to podcast here (third story)

The chanting rises to a frenzied, animal pulse, like an Army cadence call, or gorillas booming across humid jungles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

I shudder. They’ve all downed it. And now I’m last one standing. Fists pummel the table, startling the crested cutlery. The tinsel on the ancient, panelled walls trembles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

Wolf-howls, bird-screeches, war-cries. “Come on you pussy!” bellows Pog, rugby-top straining, face red as a beef-tomato. “DOWN IT!”

I raise the stolen traffic-cone, stare into its mixture of mulled wine, cider, curdled eggnog and mashed mince-pie. The name of this unearthly concoction is Santa’s Nutsack.

Latest event: HOPES & FEARS, Tuesday 13th December

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Convivial by Rebekah Lattin-Rawstrone

Read by Caroline O'Mahoney (fourth story in podcast, here)

Her heart is in the middle of the dining table next to the potatoes. It is pumping away against the tabletop. No one seems to notice. The white tablecloth is beginning to stain; a ring of yellow plasma is seeping beneath the tableware, the central red mark deepening into a dark, sticky burgundy that resembles port-wine gravy.

The thudding pumps have a cloying sound that marks the passing of beat to beat, moment to moment, keeping her silent.

Her husband’s family are catching up, ignoring, not seeing the heart. They began drinking when she was putting the children to bed. They are no longer sober.

One Last Hurrah by Madison McSweeney

Read by Silas Hawkins (fifth story in podcast, here)

Grave robbing, I’ll confess to. Murder and battery, I will not. I’m no killer, and there is no law on the books that condemns a man to the gallows for assaulting someone who is already dead.

I could say I did what I did for science, but I won’t insult you. I did what I did out of greed. Your Honour, you’re no stranger to me; you know that I came from a good family, and that I disgraced them through vice and gambling. You may be tempted to view this as further evidence of my character, but I would implore you to have some pity. I believed at the time that this was a victimless crime. We all know the city of Kingston has no shortage of corpses whom none would miss, buried shallowly, all wanting for some productive purpose.

Skulduggery by Maria Kyle

Read by Stephen Butterton (third story in podcast, here)

The pirates are thirteen days out of Port Royal, having drunk themselves liquid and swived themselves black-eyed on the last merchantman’s bullion, the dawn they sight the derelict. It's the first vessel in doldrum-drifting weeks. But the tropic sun’s a flaring torch, half-quenched in the horizon, by the time the Siren draws near. The stranger ship’s silhouette against the red-gashed sky is still as a gibbeted corpse.

The crew’s restless and underfed; dogs too-long chained. Captain Vittery prays for bounty, leaving First Mate Pereira aboard to keep order: he’d trust Pereira, a grizzled Portugee, with his life or death, whichever came uppermost.

The boarding-party rows over in the jolly-boat. Ten feet off, Vittery calls halt: high on her starboard flank is her faded name: Day Dreamer. An odd, whimsical appellation, smacking more of a pleasure-craft than a three-masted schooner. He’s brought Bartolo, the hulking Second Mate, redheaded Logan the bosun, Ashoy the Lascar and gruff Svensson: his best men by a league. Mickey the cabin-boy comes too, for luck. Wanted to show the colour of his courage.