Liars' League

Jesús, Mary & Joseph try for a Christmas Orgasm by David McGrath

Read by David McGrath         N.B. CONTENT WARNING FOR SWEARING AND UTTER FILTH .... ENJOY!

When the kids were younger Joseph always turned off the television on a sex scene. The family would then sit in the silence of the sex that wasn’t. And when enough stifling awkwardness had passed, the youngest kid, having guessed an adequate length of time for the sex to finish, would ask his Dad was it OK to turn back on the film? And Joseph would himself guess if an adequate length of time had passed, and maybe say OK, and maybe turn back on the telly. Or maybe say no, that there was plenty of time for watching them dirty auld films when they were older—that it was bedtime.

So Joseph sits with the whole world about to swallow him up. He’s mortified. Sex is not within forty miles of Joseph’s type of conversation. And to sit talking about the female orgasm—Kentucky Fried Christ. He reaches for some hope.

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson

Read by Patsy Prince

"Picture the scene," Henry says, taking a sip of brandy and setting the glass back down. "It's a traditional German Christmas. We see a young mother, blonde hair in braids, fretting over the placement of decorations on the mantelpiece. The tree is up, covered in tinsel, and three or four fair-haired children are running around causing chaos. There's a ring at the door, and our hausfrau rushes to open it, children around her legs screaming Vater! Vater! They open the door, and there’s a man in a long coat, his face obscured by a tower of presents. One by one, the children take the presents down, until we can see him. We can see who it is.’

Henry raises his left eyebrow provocatively. ‘It's Hitler.’

Lucy groans and turns away. Glen pulls a face and looks at his pint of Doom Bar. There is an awkward silence that is swiftly invaded by the noise of the pub’s other patrons. Henry raps his fingers on his glass while Lucy scrunches up her face, unable to form words.

Practically Family by Rosa Muller

Read by Claire Louise Amias

If we were all being honest, none of us expected the nanny to actually stay for Christmas.

One of my bad habits (amongst a few), is letting my mouth run away with itself. James and I had got stuck into slightly more cherry brandy than was strictly necessary, as it was Christmas, although technically it was still November – the 8^th.  When I walked unsteadily past the nanny’s bedroom I heard a low, animalistic howl.

I could hardly ignore it, could I? What if a werewolf had broken in and was savaging the poor girl? Surely I would be failing in my duty of care?

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry

Read by Peter Kenny

Uhtceara: lying awake in the period before dawn and worrying

I lie in the dark and consider the issue of a list. Not a Christmas list, unfortunately – or at least, not that kind. On this list, you would be losing. You would be surprised by that, I think, and that would probably be another entry into the ‘con’ column; your lack of awareness. But I haven’t officially started list-making yet and I shouldn’t admit half-considered entries. Not on a subject of such importance. That would be unfair.

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt

“Who’ll be Mother?” Jess wonders as we flip through her extensive wardrobe.

It’s more of a relief than anything that none of us are seeing our folks again this year – nobody’s exactly family-orientated, and enduring the usual round of resentments, tensions, arguments and passive-aggressive regiftings doesn’t appeal. So Jess, TJ and me are having Friends are Family Christmas in our flat, where nobody can critically examine our lives, question our choices or, crucially, tell us we’re drinking too much.

“Is that a wig?” asks TJ. He extracts a blonde mop, frisking it about on his spread fingers like a permed Muppet.

“Hey,” cries Jess, “my Halloween costume!”

“Sexy Killer Clown wasn’t it?” I remember.

Cocktails & Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong

Read by Tony Bell

"No thank you, I shall carry it myself." Mr Jingle clutches his battered suitcase like Al Capone clutching his gun, or Al Capone's grandfather, perhaps. The young receptionist shrugs and leads him through to the old dressing room, as if he didn't know the way. She waves some lacquered fingernails at a kettle, some teabags, and a mince pie on a chipped plate.

Making sure the door through to the restaurant is unlocked, she flashes a plastic smile and leaves him to it. Back in the day the staff here were a bit more talkative, they checked he had everything he needed, maybe even admired him. But Back In The Day is a long time ago.

Baking Day by Angela Sherlock

Baking Day MP3

Read by Lin Sagovsky

The bank slopes gently to the river so there is no danger for the girls. Mamma has said they may play there while she is gone into Mullinvane but they must not go out upon the ice. She has taken the pony and trap and Dada is away up the fields somewhere, so they have promised to be on their best behaviour.

   But it is not the river bank they want today. That is a summer place, for building dams and fortifications of pebbles. The river bank is for dressing down. Off with the boots and stockings, skirts tucked into knickers. It is for soft silt between the toes and sunlight dancing on the arcs of water they send flashing into the air.

Christmas event: Friends & Family

Our festive FRIENDS & FAMILY Christmas show took place on Tuesday 14th December at our regular home of The Phoenix, and the line-up of seasonal stories features everything you need for the perfect Christmas:

1) Lying awake worrying about stuff
2) Terrible Yuletide telly
3) Murder
4) Inedible cake
5) Drunken rows over the turkey
6) Soul-shaking sex
7) ... and a little bit of Christmas magic

 

 

FRIENDS & FAMILY WINNING STORIES

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry, read by Peter Kenny

Practically Family by Rosa Müller, read by Claire Louise Amias

Cocktails and Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong, read by Tony Bell 

Jesús, Mary & Joseph Try for a Christmas Orgasm by Dave McGrath, read by the author

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson, read by Patsy Prince

 

PLUS! *Stocking surprise* (online only) Baking Day by Angela Sherlock, read by Lin Sagovsky

 

ALSO INCLUDING! Mince pies - book quiz - tinsel - crackers - Quality Street (if you're lucky) - free drinks (if you've had a story performed, or read one yourself in 2021) - and MORE!

Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start.

PLEASE NOTE EARLIER THAN USUAL START TIME OF 7PM

Booking tickets online in advance (see below) is the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a mince pie). 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).
Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

HOW TO BOOK:

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a mere £5 each
- but you have to book a table unless you're on your own, in which case you can pick any free seat when you get there. Table sizes can be from 2-10 people.
- please reserve your table, stating no. of guests, by paying via Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

Our festive FRIENDS & FAMILY Christmas show took place on Tuesday 14th December at our regular home of The Phoenix, and the line-up of seasonal stories features everything you need for the perfect Christmas:

1) Lying awake worrying about stuff
2) Terrible Yuletide telly
3) Murder
4) Inedible cake
5) Drunken rows over the turkey
6) Soul-shaking sex
7) ... and a little bit of Christmas magic

 

 

FRIENDS & FAMILY WINNING STORIES

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry, read by Peter Kenny

Practically Family by Rosa Müller, read by Claire Louise Amias

Cocktails and Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong, read by Tony Bell 

Jesús, Mary & Joseph Try for a Christmas Orgasm by Dave McGrath, read by the author

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson, read by Patsy Prince

 

PLUS! *Stocking surprise* (online only) Baking Day by Angela Sherlock, read by Lin Sagovsky

 

ALSO INCLUDING! Mince pies - book quiz - tinsel - crackers - Quality Street (if you're lucky) - free drinks (if you've had a story performed, or read one yourself in 2021) - and MORE!

Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start.

PLEASE NOTE EARLIER THAN USUAL START TIME OF 7PM

Booking tickets online in advance (see below) is the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a mince pie). 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).
Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

HOW TO BOOK:

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a mere £5 each
- but you have to book a table unless you're on your own, in which case you can pick any free seat when you get there. Table sizes can be from 2-10 people.
- please reserve your table, stating no. of guests, by paying via Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

Time Gentlemen Please by Stephen Kehoe

Read by Oliver Yellop

Dracula Lord of Darkness, scourge of Romania, drinker of blood and defiler of virgins, prince of the night, terror of the ages, beast-master of many forms and dread count of Transylvania since time immemorial, licks his razor-sharp incisors in a fiendish fashion and laughs. “Mwhahahahaaa!”

He’s just rolled a twenty.

It’s games night down the Red Hellhound, and the fortnightly league game of Dungeons and Humans is in full swing. Placing an exquisitely painted lead figurine on the gameboard with a confident thwack, he intones in a devilishly deep baritone: “I go through the door.”

Dracula is proud of his character. He’s been playing the same one for a year now. A level 7 IT consultant from the kingdom of Croydon. Called Colin. Special skills include: turning it off and on again, and talking about GDPR.

The Fear by Emma Grae

Read by Lois Tucker

We’ve aw been there. A nicht oan the tiles. Dancin shoes oan. Tarted up like a Gregg’s donut at the front o the display. An innocent enough wee swally - or so ye hink. Then, a few hoor later, yer poundin heid goes: ‘Whit the puck did ye dae last nicht?’

The Fear. It’s a well-kenned phenomenon. But seriously whit could ye really dae and furget aboot it? It’s been playin oan a loop in ma heid aw mornin.

Ah wis at ma pal Jamie and his burd’s last nicht. It wisnae a big wan. Three drinks. Max. Then ah callt a taxi hame. Lassies cannae be too careful and aw that. Plus, the tube’s probably hoachin wi the Rhona, never mind the vomit-stained nicht bus.

Mister Merlin by Sally Wild

Read by Stephen Butterton

It’s not my real name. It’s just my stage name, written on both sides of my little sky-blue van: MISTER MERLIN, it says, in huge ornate lettering. And then underneath, in block capitals: CHILDREN’S PARTIES, BIRTHDAY PARTIES, CHRISTMAS PARTIES, OFFICE PARTIES – ANYTHING!

Alice used to say that the ANYTHING! at the end looked a bit desperate. She was probably right. Alice isn’t her real name, either. Names have been changed to protect us all. She always said I should stick at it, if it made me happy. It didn’t matter that we had no money. So I stuck at it. I did other work, of course - work that actually paid the bills - but I soon realised this is the only thing I’m any good at. And it made me happy. And if I was happy, Alice was happy, and if Alice was happy, I was happy. Isn’t that great? Sorry - I’ve had a beer.

Set for Life by Zannier Alejandra

Read by Keleigh Wolf

The forty-second floor office is preposterously swanky. I don’t think I have been at a place of business above third floor before. It seems the higher they get, the more luxurious they must become.

This particular office looks like something out of a TV show about sexy lawyers, saving the world one pro-bono case at the time. 

But it is not a law firm. And I’m definitely not an impossibly well-dressed lawyer. I am currently wearing a black polyester suit that I bought for a Hillary Clinton costume back in Halloween 2016. My shoes are equally unstylish and full of scrape marks, which I tried to cover up with a sharpie but it turned out to be purple highlighter.

The Trial of Goodwife Cutler by Ken Towl

Read by Silas Hawkins

When, on St. Crispin’s Day 1416, in the fourth year of the reign of Henry V and the first anniversary of the battle of Agincourt, Goodwife Mary was brought before the assizes in Guildford, her sex presented the court with something of a conundrum.

In English common law, maiming was the malicious rendering of the victim “less able to annoy his adversary”. Typically, this might involve dismemberment or the gouging of the eyes. Mayhem, as it was then called, was a serious felony. In those days when Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy were respected legal authority, the sentence called for the loss of the like part, membrum pro membro, as the learned justices would have it.

The particular act that she had allegedly committed on her husband was the removal, by means of his own eating knife, of his privy member. Should she be found liable for this egregious act, it was difficult to see how she could be made to forfeit what she did not have.

The Pumpkin and the Vampire by Hannah Hoare

Read by Miranda Harrison

“So,” said the Vampire, tying his cape. “We’re walking, I presume?”

“We’ll take the car,” the Pumpkin said, with barely a pause.

Frowning, the Vampire turned from the mirror to study his friend. “Really? You think that’s a good idea, after last year?”

“Definitely,” said the Pumpkin. He dabbed at his make-up with a tissue. “If this party’s as wild as the one last year, we’ll be way too pissed to walk back afterwards. We’re taking the car.”

MAGIC & MAYHEM Hallowe'en Stories on Tuesday 12th October

Carve the pumpkin and bob the apples! We've picked a treat-bag of ghoulish fictional goodies to creep your flesh and chill your bones for our MAGIC & MAYHEM Hallowe'en special (click for Facebook event) on Tuesday 12th October at The Phoenix!

There are ghosts, gods, maybe-murderesses, birthday magic, Middle Ages maulings, undead D&D players & a special appearance by Buffy - plus our horrific literary quiz, & all the FREE sweets you can cram in your face. And as ever, tickets are only £5!

WINNING STORIES for MAGIC & MAYHEM

The Fear by Emma Grae, read by Lois Tucker
Mister Merlin by Sally Wild, read by Stephen Butterton
Time Gentlemen Please by Stephen Kehoe, read by Oliver Yellop
The Pumpkin and the Vampire by Hannah Hoare, read by Miranda Harrison
Set for Life by Zannier Alejandra, read by Keleigh Wolf

PLUS bonus 6th story: The Trial of Goodwife Cutler by Ken Towl, read by Silas Hawkins

VENUE, TICKETS & EVENT INFO

The show is on Tuesday 12th October. Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7.30pm start. Please book tickets online in advance (see below) - that's the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a treat ...) 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).

Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

 

Plague of Exes, 1349 by Lauren Van Schaik

Plague of Exes 1349 MP3

Read by Gloria Sanders

Lauren Van Schaik’s short fiction has been shortlisted for the Galley Beggar Short Story Prize and The White Review Short Story Prize, published by the Cincinnati Review and performed by Liars’ League. She has an MA in Creative Writing from UEA and is working on a novel. 

 

 

Gloria Sanders trained at Drama Studio London. She regularly narrates audiobooks for the RNIB and recently joined the cast of Time Will Tell’s Dracula at Whitby Abbey. She often works as an historical interpreter at heritage sites around the country and has continued her training in clowning and historic fooling. She recently qualified as a Spanish Interpreter.

 

 

Oh Little Beast by Molly Skinner

Oh Little Beast MP3

Read by Annalie Wilson 

Alice pulled the flowers from her mother’s crystal vase and threw them, yellow and bright, into the bin. They barely made a sound as they hit the bottom – but the baby stirred all the same.

Rosy-cheeked and wide awake, it mocked the blackout blinds she’d made her husband install and stared right at her as she opened the door.

Good morning my little love, she chirped.

Swoosh. Welcome in sunlight. Swoosh. Welcome in day. Swoosh. Welcome in sweet-promise-of-another-go-around.

Read the full text of this story over at TheShortStory.co.uk

 

Molly Skinner’s work has appeared in print on her mum’s fridge and in the body of emails entitled “could you proof this?” Formerly she co-managed the indie press Peirene Press. She has an MA in Art History from the Courtauld Institute of Art and this is her first published work.

 

Annalie Wilson is an actor, singer, songwriter and music producer. She has acted in theatre, musicals, film and TV, and particularly enjoys working with new writing. After a few years releasing music under her alter ego Luna Bec she has returned to her original name with her recent single “Coming Home,” which can be streamed in all the usual places. More at www.annalie.co.uk

How a Body Likes her Breakfast by Cathy Browne

Read by Kim Scopes

I am the body he shoves and kicks under the bushes so deep that the dogs scratch their noses on the thorns and the police have to use torches to find my pale hand curled in a claw among the brambles.

I am the body that makes all this fuss. Yellow tape and gloves and white jumpsuits. They don’t want to disturb me in case they spoil the evidence, but they can’t see any evidence whilst I am stuck under a bush either.

I am the body they hesitate to bury. I am searched inside and out and all over. They comb through every particle of me and they are not even looking for me at all, they are looking for him. Did he leave any of himself behind?

Vengeance by Mina Ma

Vengeance MP3

Read by Josie Charles

The two men appeared in the car park at six o’clock. The sun was beginning to set, glowing behind them like a warning, but they didn’t take heed.

At first, they were just faceless black shapes striding out of the orange blaze. One was taller and broader than the other. The shorter one swung his arms more. They walked side-by-side. Perhaps they were brothers, or friends, or lovers.

They came closer, and became clearer.

Goddess Interrupted by Lyndsey Croal

Read by Lois Tucker

Burning alive isn’t a fate I would wish upon anyone. Of all the ways I had died, it was the worst. Flames licked across skin that hadn’t seen the sunlight in three months. Smoke stung in my lungs like acid. And all the while faces that I’d come to call my friends and neighbours gawked on, delighting in the horror of such an act. It’s no wonder that eternal flames are used to torment dark souls in the underworld – at least the small mercy was that for me it didn’t last forever.

I was careless for getting caught, though I had only been trying to help the harvest, by bringing forth the rain and stilling the wind. Alas, in this period of history into which I was transplanted, I was not heralded as a deity to be worshipped or a nymph to be respected, but as a heretic and devil worshipper.

Latest event: WOMEN & GIRLS, Tuesday 10th August at The Phoenix

"Who Run the World?" - Artwork by Nour Tohme 

 

Our 5th annual celebration of stories about and by Women & Girls was performed to a packed crowd on Tuesday 10th August at The Phoenix, with six slices of fantastic new fiction read aloud LIVE by our marvellous Liars' League actresses. It featured Mormons, murder, mediums, malicious moths, medieval maladies, Shakespeare & more - and the stories, videos and podcast are available to read, watch & listen to right now! 

WINNING STORIES for WOMEN & GIRLS

Plague of Exes, 1349 by Lauren Van Schaik, read by Gloria Sanders
Goddess Interrupted by Lyndsey Croal, read by Lois Tucker
How a Body likes her Breakfast by Cathy Browne, read by Kim Scopes
Oh Little Beast by Molly Skinner, read by Annalie Wilson
Vengeance by Mina Ma, read by Josie Charles
Lear in LA by Sakki Selznick, read by Sophie Cartman

Inspired to write for us?

NEXT DEADLINE: 11.59pm on Sunday 5th September for MAGIC & MAYHEM (event on Tuesday 12th October):

This Hallowe'en season, enchant (or curse) us with your most soul-searing stories of sorcery, necromancy, blood sacrifice, crazed rituals, inchoate horrors from a realm of unspeakable chaos ... you know the drill.