Liars' League

WE'RE BACK! Pre-Halloween Event: HIDE & SEEK on Tue 13 Oct ... LIVE with real actors & real audience at The Phoenix!

 

Coming ... ready or not!

 

The nights are drawing in, the leaves are falling and pumpkins are appearing in the supermarkets: it must be October, and so it's time for Liars' League's annual pre-Halloween frightfest of fiction! 

 

This year the theme is HIDE & SEEK (click for Facebook event) and we've tracked down five never-before-told tales to scare you out of your skin. These will be read LIVE by REAL ACTORS in front of a REAL AUDIENCE at 7pm on Tuesday October 13th at The Phoenix, Cavendish Square, and tickets are only £5! (See below)

 

HIDE & SEEK STORIES

 

EVIDENCE by Rosa Müller new author - read by Annalie Wilson

LANDLINE by Renee Agatep new author - read by Keleigh Wolf

THE HEART'S FILTHY DESIRE by Tom Leins new author - read by Tim Larkfield

THE LAST PLACE ANYONE LOOKS by Rikk Hill new author - read by Lin Sagovsky

HANDYMAN by George Aitch - read by Sean Patterson

 

NB: Tables are strictly limited, so please do book now (see below) if you're thinking of coming - we'd hate you to miss out on our first live show in eight months.

 

We've got a real bowl of creepy candy for you this month, including girls' school ghosts, sloppy serial killers, post-apocalyptic survivalists, a haunted phone call and an eccentric aristo's personal monster museum - and we are looking forward so much to sharing it ... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

 

We also have literal candy in the form of FREE spooky sweets, as well as our horrific book quiz where you can win brand new fiction including Christopher's Ghosts, Death Wish, Tales from the Cauldron and the Hoxton Street Monster Supplies Cookbook. 

NB Because of earlier pub closing times doors will open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start, NOT 7.30 as usual. So please turn up promptly.

The venue address is the basement bar of:
The Phoenix, 37 Cavendish Square, London W1G 0PP

 

                                 TICKETS & EVENT INFO (the small print stuff)

TL:DR

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a low low £5
- but you have to book a table even if it's just you. Singletons book tables for 2.
- book and pay through Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

THE LONG VERSION

The Phoenix has arranged cabaret seating in the basement with tables available of 2, 4, 5 and 6 people. This means you book a TABLE (for however many are in your group) rather than individual tickets, as they are not allowed to seat people of different "groups" (even if that group is only one person) together. So we strongly suggest you contact your friends if you think they'll be coming, and book a table together. If you're on your own just book a table for 2, but these are limited. 

 

Tickets will be limited to 50 (assuming all tables are full - may be slightly fewer if some tables are not full), and our ticket price remains a furlough-favouring £5.

 

How to book: Please use the Donate button on the top right of the LL website page (look up, look right, it's small and yellow ...) to donate the price of however many tickets you want to us. So a table for 6 would be £30, but a table for 2 with only one guest is £5 because we're not going to punish you for not filling a table. Here's how you do it.

 

- Click the Donate button

- Enter the amount: £5 for 1 ticket, £10 for 2 etc. (you have to type in 5 - 0 - 0 for £5, it's slightly non-intuitive)

- Click Donate. This will take you to your Paypal login (if you don't have Paypal get someone else on your table to pay for tickets :) 

- IMPORTANT: Where it says Add a note please enter your name plus how many you want on your table. E.g. Katy Darby, Table for 4. Track & trace/QR code stuff is done at the venue so we don't need everyone's names, just the booker's.

- Ideally, tick the Share your email address button so we can contact you if there's any problem

- Click Donate Now

- And you're done! 

 

N.B. ALL donated funds (after Paypal fees) support contributing actors & authors: we take nothing. 

BigThick & Sally's Gnashers by Emma Grae

BigThick and Sally's Gnashers MP3  Read by Lois Tucker

The webcam rings. A customer’s waitin. Ah open ma top drawer, pullin oot a whip and nipple clamps. Here we go again. Ah make £2.50 a minute as an online dominatrix. Mair than ah ever made stackin shelves. Ah wis the first tae get the boot fae B&M when the lockdoon wis announced.           
            “Hey there,” ah say, twirlin ma hair fully-clothed.
            BigThick8756 is typing.
            “Do you like to bite?”
            “Ah sure dae.”
            “Can u show me your sharp teeth up close? xx”
            Ya dancer. Ah love a weirdo. This is a walk in the park compared tae fillin oot shitey online surveys fur a bit o extra cash, or askin folk tae donate tae watch ma comedy shows. Ma ex Bennie always said ah wisnae as funny as ah thocht ah wis.

The Baby by Irina Zahl

The Baby MP3

Read by Jennifer Aries

CONTENT NOTE Contains themes some readers may find distressing. 

We don't talk about the baby in our house. We are not in denial. We don’t neglect the baby. We don't pretend that the baby doesn't exist. It's just that my husband and I agreed early on that the baby would not rule our lives.

We don't completely ignore the baby, and now and then we say things like "Do you think the baby will like this?", "Do you think that'll be right for the baby's bedroom?", "Will the baby be OK to go on holiday with us? Don’t you think the flight is too long?"

We try not to buy too much for the baby. It's not easy because baby things – especially baby clothes and baby toys, like little bear suits and knitted bunnies and elephants with black button eyes – are so exceptionally cute. 

Quintet by Nora Thurkle

Quintet MP3

Read by Miranda Harrison

Before most of them dropped out or graduated, Annie shared a flat with four other girls. Their friendships were based on fragile foundations: late-night drunken oversharing, unhealthy sexual competition, the intensity of plunging together into adulthood.

Lydia had an eating disorder that was obvious to everyone but that no one mentioned. She had a big group of friends from home who would come and stay in the flat at short notice, who were friendly but lounged obstructively in the kitchen. She was infuriatingly kind and liked everyone, had a series of clearly suspect boyfriends who hung around sullenly, eating other people’s food. She was the one who emailed the landlord when the mouse infestation became critical or the shower sputtered to a stubborn halt for days, because she was the best at staying polite and reasoned. Annie loved Lydia. She had been a source of laughter, commiserations and short-term loans for several years.

Duck and Cover by Rosaleen Lynch

Duck and Cover MP3

Read by Lin Sagovsky

John Lennon ruined my life. It was the summer of 1971. ‘Imagine,’ he said. I did, and where did that get me and my kids? Not much further than my hometown, not very far in my education and no way closer to my dreams. College, in ‘71, was marches, boycotts and leaflets. We went to protests instead of classes, carried the placards, wore the T-shirts and covered ourselves in flowers, badges and pins. We flew banners and flags but kept them and our clothes safe from open flames. It was a perilous time, not just in Vietnam. And all we got for our troubles was thrown out of college, and less than ten years later Lennon got shot.

 

Come Away, O Human Child by Emily Tobin

Come Away O Human Child MP3

Read by Sarah Feathers

I was impatient for summer to begin but as soon as we arrived at the strange little house near the river I was bored. The days were long and uneven. My limbs ached and my eyelids were heavy. At night I’d hear my parents having sex through the bedroom wall and it made me want to drown myself. 

There had been a slip-up. My father had briefly started and ended an affair with a neighbour. I forget now who it was, but the pattern was always the same. A bristle of passion. A gasp of remorse. A plate thrown. A promise it would never happen again. The salve this time was a holiday at a rented house in a sedentary corner of the country.  

It was the hottest summer on record. It was always the hottest summer on record.

Fifty Feet Deep by Caroline von Schmalensee

Download Fifty Feet Deep MP3

It should have known better. This pond had been hers for a very long time even by her species' reckoning, and there was no way its elders hadn't warned it. Any daredevil youngster who put their plump fingers into her domain could expect to have them bitten right off and fair do’s.

Jenny was sitting on the bottom of her pond with her prize, a boy who wouldn't be soft enough to eat comfortably for another two days. He was rich with fat and muscle — she'd had a nibble, of course, but he'd be better if she could wait. She might not have the time. 

The water felt what happened on land and told her. It sent her the vibrations of many people stomping on the ground between the pond's edge and her lean-to. It passed on movement and it refracted light. A flickering orange suggested the mob was burning her home.

Next event: Women & Girls, Tue August 11th *ONLINE*

*Dedicated to Lea Darby - proud feminist and girl-wrangler*

We're delighted to announce the stories selected for our fourth annual Women & Girls event on Tuesday August 11th! From underwater cannibals to Glaswegian cam-girls, single mums to restless teens, via a nightmare flatshare and terrified expectant parents, we've got a female-focused live-lit lineup you won't want to miss ...

WATCH PARTY LINK: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2959030028/wp/715808622330554/?av=100032029133078

WOMEN & GIRLS WINNING STORIES

 

Quintet by Nora Thurkle *New author* read by Miranda Harrison
Come Away, O Human Child by Emily Tobin *New author* read by Sarah Feathers
Fifty Feet Deep by Caroline von Schmalensee *New author* read by Soph Morris-Sheppard
BigThick and Sally's Gnashers by Emma Grae*New author* read by Lois Tucker
Duck & Cover by Rosaleen Lynch *New author* read by Lin Sagovsky
The Baby by Irina Zahl, read by Jennifer Aries

Sadly our host venue The Phoenix has not yet reopened to events, so this will be our third online Lockdown Literature show of 2020. As with our first online event in April, our actors will record the six winning stories at home, for broadcast on Facebook at 7.30pm BST on Tuesday August 11th: these will then be made available as video, podcast/MP3 and text right here on our website, on the same day. 

PLEASE NOTE: IN ORDER TO JOIN THE FACEBOOK WATCH PARTY, YOU MUST BE A MEMBER OF OUR FACEBOOK GROUP, "LIARS' LEAGUE" https://www.facebook.com/groups/2959030028/

Feel free to join just for this if you like, and leave after ... sorry, that's just how these things work on Facebook, apparently. The watch party is naturally free to view - but if you'd like to support the authors and (especially) actors involved, see below ...

TIPS & DONATIONS

Usually we'd use ticket sale cash to buy our contributors food, booze and/or books. As we can't do that right now, if you want to donate some £/$ towards the actors and authors who have dedicated time, talent and effort to entertain you, please do so via Paypal to liarsleague@yahoo.co.uk ... or you can use the Donate button on the right -->

All money will be split equally between all participants: if you'd like your money to go to a particular author, actor or story, just add a note to your donation saying so: named "tips" will be passed on to those contributors. LL won't be taking anything .

 

 

She Can Look After Herself by Ken Towl

She Can Look After Herself MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer & Nick Delvalle

The first time I felt concerned about my mother? I can't remember the exact date but it was around the time the Coronavirus pandemic started and they went into isolation. I got a text from my mother which alarmed me.

Keep it to yourself, she said, but I think dad is trying to kill me. Of course, I phoned her straight away and she answered whispering:

"I'm in the shed. It's OK to speak here but next time don't call again. Wait till I call you."

A Space to Inhabit by Lyndsey Croal

A Space to Inhabit MP3

Read by Lois Tucker

I can’t remember when the Cloud appeared. It’s like it’s always been here, on the edge of Elm Woods. A silent force watching over our village.

I try to trace its origin back to a moment in time, but there’s only a blur. When I think about the Woods, my childhood memories are clear: Brownie expeditions, playing hopscotch made from sticks, making daisy chains, and summer afternoons playing hide and seek with Ruairidh. But while I can’t specifically remember the Cloud being there at those times, neither can I recall it not being there.

Once upon a time, the Cloud existed.

Mammy and the Naked Dwarf by David McGrath

Mammy and the Naked Dwarf MP3

Read by David McGrath

Elaine was maybe a little drunk. Someone was in her bed. ‘Mammy!’ she shouted. ‘I think someone’s in my bed.’

‘What?’

‘There’s someone in my bed.’

Mammy came out of the kitchen and looked upstairs at Elaine. ‘No there’s not.’

‘There is.’

‘There couldn’t be.’

‘Well, there is, Mammy.’

Mammy came upstairs, stood by Elaine at her bedroom door and saw that there was someone in Elaine’s bed.

The Empress by Lisa Farrell

The Empress MP3

Read by Claire Lacey

I placed his letter on my dressing table, so that while I sat before the mirror I could keep my eyes on his words. I’d heard the myths before of course, of the wayward daughter who bewitched men with a look. According to the tales, she enchanted an Emperor in some fabled land at the edge of the world, who made her his bride and showered her with gold. They said she was a powerful sorceress but, like any common witch, water was her downfall. She left his land in a ship laden with treasure, but lost it all to the sea.

I believe she was real, he wrote. I believe her treasure awaits rediscovery. I wish to prove that she lived, your famous ancestor. Do not let superstitions deter you. I know you are an educated woman and believe in science, not curses.

Hebris by Jonathan Sellars

Hebris MP3

Read by Paul Clarke

There once was an army, led by the Russian Tsar himself, that set out for the bleak wastelands which formed the most northerly part of the Tsar’s vast kingdom. Though he had been told many times that these lands were nothing but snow and ice, and they led to nothing but endless sea, the Tsar could not resist their call.  

As a child his father had explained to him how those wastelands were to be feared. Always.  Feared not because they harboured enemies who might at some point emerge from them, no one ever emerged from them, but feared for the power that the lands themselves possessed. His father would tell him how they were cursed and cruel, that they cared nothing for the empires of Tsars or those of their enemies, and how they wished only to be left alone. And, the part that had resonated most with the Tsar, they answered to only one person, Hebris the Witch.

Goodbye Mr McKenzie by Peter Higgins

Goodbye Mr McKenzie MP3

Read by Tony Bell

In that sad tangle of alleys north of Courtland Street, EC1, all corners and shadows and shadows and corners, that’s where I am right now. I’m in a hurry. I see the ID card that someone’s dropped, and I think – who cares? Not my problem. I’m a busy man.

But I pick it up anyway. Somebody’s work ID card. Alistair McKenzie, it says, Deputy Workflow Administrator with FSL. Who’s Alistair McKenzie? What’s FSL? What’s a Deputy Workflow Administrator? Never mind. Look at Mister McKenzie. Round face, brisk beard, short grey hair. How old, would you say? Fifty? Perhaps. Kids? Yes, yes, I can see two, maybe three kids, a lovely loyal wife who – bless her – has stuck with him through thick and thin, brochure-fresh house in Essex, Kent, Surrey, football, mow the lawn, have a barbeque, nice fat silver car, black car, blue car slouching on the gravel, everything available, everything blatant and raw, like pornography, or boxing.

Lockdown Literature: Mystery & Suspense, Tue 9th June, online!

Coronavirus hasn't gone away (yet) - but we're BACK! June's theme is Mystery & Suspense: as with our debut Lockdown Lit event in April, our actors recorded the six winning stories at home for broadcast on Tuesday June 9th, and these are now available as video, podcast/MP3 and text right here on our website. (Scroll down for links).

The watch party was at 7.30pm, June 9th on Facebook, and you can still enjoy the show "live" from the comfort of your living room with popcorn and a drink, if you're a member of our Facebook group (join here). Anyway - to the tales! Here's our host Liam to introduce them ...

Lockdown Literature: Young & Old, Tuesday 14th April, online!

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let our host Liam Hogan begin ...

PLEASE NOTE: IN ORDER TO REWATCH THE APRIL 14th WATCH PARTY, YOU MUST BE A MEMBER OF OUR FACEBOOK GROUP, "LIARS' LEAGUE" https://www.facebook.com/groups/2959030028/

Feel free to join just for this if you like, and leave after ... sorry, that's just how these things work on Facebook, apparently. Also, if you're not on Facebook you can watch all the story videos here, listen to the podcast here, and read all the stories below (obviously). 

NB: This watch party is naturally free to view - but if you'd like to support the authors and (especially) actors involved, see below ...

TIPS & DONATIONS

Usually we'd use ticket sale cash to buy our contributors food, booze and/or books. As we can't do that this time, if you want to donate some £/$ towards the actors and authors who have dedicated time, talent and effort to entertain you, please do so via Paypal to liarsleague@yahoo.co.uk.

All donations will be split equally between all participants: if you'd like your money to go to a particular author, actor or story, just add a note to your donation saying so: named "tips" will be passed on to those contributors. LL won't be taking anything :)

Thanks and happy watching!

Exiled by Brian O'Hare

Exiled MP3

Read by Will Teller

Here’s a little secret: The Marine Corps needs enemies. It lives for them. Whether it’s banzai charging Japanese, Chinese hordes or boogeyman Viet Cong—it doesn’t matter. And when it can’t find an enemy? The Marine Corps eats its young. And for Lieutenant Colonel “Mad Mike” Madigan, Battalion Commander Lieutenant Francis Keane is perfect.

            It all starts back in August of ’91, just before the first Persian Gulf War, on deployment to Okinawa, when one of Keane’s Lance Criminals punches out an NCO over a bargirl. “Alcohol related”, as the logbook duly notes. Keane saves his ass from the brig. Mad Mike goes high and to the right. Because when the old man says ‘circle the wagons’—you circle the goddamn wagons.

            As payback, Keane suffers every shit job and indignity, until finally exiled to the BOQ, the Bachelor Officer’s Quarters and put in “hack”, a kind of house arrest, for violating the 7^th General Order of the Sentry—“to talk to no one except in the line of duty”—while serving as Officer of the Day. And so, into exile Keane goes, like some Biblical mystic, alone and barefoot.

Advice to my Child by Jo Gatford

Advice to my Child MP3

Read by Sarah Feathers

Carbohydrates are all well and good when you’re tired and hangry but they are not a substitute for a hug or a conversation.

Speaking of: call your mother more often. Or at least text. I have WhatsApp now, you know. I follow you on Instagram. You’re cute but vary the expression a little, why don’t you?

Meringues should always be left in the oven to cool, preferably overnight – like most things – if you really want that chewy centre and clarity of crunch.

Keep good accounts. Air your bathroom. Stay hydrated. Get a dehumidifier. Don’t waste time on books you can’t finish. Insure yourself. Overpay your mortgage whenever you can. If you ever get one.

Befriending by Irina Zahl

Befriending MP3

Read by Greg Page

I watch them walking up the hill. They are only starting on their journey. They sound happy. They are singing and swinging their arms cheerfully in time. I can't see from where I am, but I’m sure their skin is golden in the summer sun and their muscles bulge ever so slightly with every step they take. 

By a habit I didn’t know I had, I raise my hand to give them a wave. I catch myself half-way and put it down. They can't see me from where I am – from where they are – and they don't know me anyway. It's me watching life from my kitchen window; it's them living it. 

The worst thing about age is not the aches, not the persistent chills, not the sagging skin and not even the liver spots. The worst part is living in the past tense. I used to. Used to be, used to do. In the present, I'm nothing. An old man in his small retirement flat still able to take care of himself, but this is as exciting as it gets. It is only the past that gives me the meaning, that justifies my existence. In my present state, I am of no interest to the world … or to those lads walking up the hills.

She's Ended Up Middle-Aged by Alix Owen

She’s Ended Up Middle-Aged MP3

Read by Charlotte Worthing

Netflix is like fireflies in my boyfriend's glazed eyes. He's had a hard day at work. I've had a boring, overpaid one. We've been sat in silence for maybe an hour while a binge-watch mends our relationship. I'm nursing a smudged, warm glass of wine, flashing a flirty glance at him now and then, wiggling my feet on his lap, peeking up from my phone.

Am I paying attention? Am I being mindful? I'm not sure. Scrolling through Facebook, I'm half-heartedly wondering whether to go plant-based.

Hmmm. Let's think about this. I don't know if it suits me.

See, I’m that kind of mid-range millennial, around 30 (but in denial); sure, with a sustainable conscience but a reluctance to get rid of single-use plastics and a fear that zero-wasters are coming for our fun. That does not a vegan make.

The Blue Man of the Minch by Matt Barnard

The Blue Man of the Minch MP3

Read by Silas Hawkins

Just after eleven, Colin raced down the hill to tell Johnny Dey that one of Marjorie’s cows was calving. No more than eight years old, with hair cropped so close you could see the bones of his skull, his face shone with a look of wonder and self-importance. When he told Johnny the news, Johnny simply gazed at him with an expression of unselfconscious weariness. He was sitting on the front step, elbows resting on his knees, his stomach like a medicine ball between his thighs. The sun fell onto his face from the right making him squint a little.

     Colin stared at Johnny and felt like he did when he saw something strange emerge from the sea. He’d run down the hill with the message held like a special package, not sure exactly what it meant, only that it was important. It was unclear to him why he was telling Johnny Dey, and now, standing awkwardly in the mid-morning sun, he realised he didn’t know what he was expected to take back in return.

     ‘Aye, that’ll be Frieda,’ Johnny replied eventually, putting a large hand to his face to shield his eyes. ‘Tell Marjorie to keep an eye out and let me know what’s happening. Can you remember that, Colin?’