Liars' League

Lore & Legend

Once upon a time... In a galaxy far, far away... Roll up, roll up for all the twisted fairy tales your mum never read you! On Tuesday 11th March at the Wheatsheaf we encountered frogs and dragons, heroes and myths, Grimm tales and (un)happy endings. A packed audience paid up a paltry £3, listened, drank and dreamed. If you missed the night or want to know what the fuss is about, our newly available podcasts are available on this site with the accompanying texts. Now you cannot say we don't try and make it easy for you...

Ten English Trees by Danny Birchall

A tree’s meat, you once told me, bears the same name as the tree, unlike animals whose names are English (like sheep) and whose meat is described in French (like mutton), a legacy of the Norman yoke (though the Normans were not French but Vikings, you told me). You loved English trees: you felt as if they held things together, their roots underpinning the whole country. Without trees, you said, it would be possible to have America, and even France, but England could not exist.

Deep Trouble by Anthony Malone

Read by Silas Hawkins

Gigantism is common in Antarctic waters. Squid and spider crabs grow to such immense proportions it’s not surprising that legends of gargantuan sea monsters are ten-a-penny among jolly Jack Tars. Growing up in a fishing village, I heard them all, of course, and arrogantly dismissed them as nonsense; so I never imagined I would see with my own eyes what horrors lie beneath the waves. Despite all the tall tales and superstitious nonsense you hear from coastal folk, I know for a fact there is something down there so foul, so unspeakable, that even Richard Dawkins crosses himself when he thinks of it.

The Alminian Dragon of Tureq by David Verela

Read by Will Goodhand

Michael was taken off Lemsip and given Moldova. It was only fair. Planning the Lemsip campaign, he hadn’t slept in his own bed for a fortnight, curling up on the couch in reception between late-night brainstorms and the cleaner’s arrival each morning. Everyone agreed that Michael had done well. Moldova was his reward.

It was seen by his colleagues as a jolly – a cushy trip to Europe to help the local tourist board re-brand the nation’s image. But Michael knew it was an opportunity, not a holiday. He turned down a free ticket for his wife – which led to some premature rumours – and instead focused on the charms of Moldova.

Fuzzby & Coo by Angela Trevithick

Read by Lynsey Pow

The only window in my room is an arrow slit, which I can slip my hand through. I can see the ground through here, but my shoulder stops me slipping through and jumping to my death.

Every night I count the stars through this window. I sleep when I reach the seventy-third star, and I wake when the sun strokes my cheek. This is when my pigeon joins me. I call him Fuzzby because he has a feather that sticks up on top of his little head. He calls me Coo.

The Frog by Emily Cleaver

Read by Ben Crystal

So, it’s Valentine’s Day, and this girl, the one this story is about, is walking down the hill from Haringey station to the bus stop on Green Lanes. She works at a bank in the City, but no one knows exactly what she does there. Maybe she doesn’t know what she’s doing there herself. Anyway. She’s walking along, feeling cold and grey as the day because no one’s going to send her a Valentine’s card. Fog lies like a dirty bed sheet over the valley below, but she’s looking at the pavement. Still, that means that she sees the frog, crouching in the gutter among the cigarette butts, splats of spit and discs of chewing gum. At first she thinks someone has dropped a green leather purse, but no. It’s a real frog.